There to prove that I exist

Let me in

2011-11-23T19:57:00.001-08:00

let me stay

numb

2011-11-09T16:16:00.001-08:00

Monsters

2011-11-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

"I'm here," I type to you in a Facebook message as I'm walking up your street. My legs can't move as fast as I want them to. I've missed you so much. The seconds it takes for you to come to your door feel like hours and when I hear the doorknob twist, my stomach fills with butterflies, no - monsters. Monsters doing extreme acrobatics; flipping, tumbling, spinning. My mind becomes overworked with things I want to say to you but all that comes out is "hey." I follow you down the stairs and into your door and plant myself on the couch, anticipating welcome kisses from KL. We sit. We stare. We talk about the week passed. We stare some more and as you inch closer and closer, my heart beats harder and faster. You kiss me once and I'm home. You are home. Nothing else matters.

The night goes on and we can hardly pay attention to what's playing on the TV. We sit and we lay and we talk about everything, staring so intently at one another as if no one else in the world matters until the early hours of the morning.

I force myself to keep my eyelids wide until you decide it's time to pass out. We crawl into bed and it's as if a magnetic force snaps us together like it did the night we met. I'm not sure holding you as tight as humanly possible helps me sleep but it sure does keep me warm and not temperature-wise either. The warmth that you can only feel when you're with someone you really care about. The warmth that you can feel beneath your skin, in your bones, and in every pulse of your beating heart. With every passing minute, the red numbers on your bedside clock taunt me. Every passing minute is a 60 seconds closer to me having to leave.

Leaving you is the hardest part of my week. I say it a lot, I know, but it's because it's true. We fight to stay awake for as long as we can until our minds just shut down and we doze off in each other's arms. We wake up just the same, and I reach for your hand. I never want to let go. You have to work, I have to catch a bus. It's the same every week but it's worth it - you're worth it.

You're worth every lonely second, every mile, every single day in between our time together. You are what I look forward to at the end of each and every week. You are the thought that puts me to sleep at night - one day closer, one day closer.

Seeing you is the best part of my week.

2011-09-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

This isn't going to be over-thought or poetic or well-versed in any way, I just need to get it out. I haven't felt like this in a while, and I cried last night. I cried possibly more than I have ever cried and I couldn't control it. This hurt, and still hurts. I really can't wrap my head around it so I need to simply try not to. I respect your space and as much as I hope for a certain situation to arise from your time alone, I can't invest all my hopes and feelings that it will.

Just before I finally coaxed myself to sleep, I knew I was going to wake up just as upset as I was when I fell asleep but that wasn't the case. I woke up and felt nothing.

I'm not going to lie, it scared me a bit but then I rolled over and my cat licked my arm and seconds later my roommate knocked on my door with a smile on his face. I'm upset, there's no question, but I can't control you, or other people, or how anyone in this judgmental world feels. I'm going to make a big breakfast, wish you were here to share it with me, and then try and get on with my day. I fell hard and fast, so if this is it I'm going to need some time to get back up.

I like you

2011-08-14T18:55:00.001-07:00

a lot. Please don't hurt me

Why can't I ever know what I want

2011-05-30T06:10:00.001-07:00

Girls drive me nuts and I'm slowly starting to think that I, myself, might be the reason behind that.

I just wrote the 'l' word in my journal

2011-05-24T13:16:00.001-07:00

I feel really weird about it and I can't stop thinking about it.

Just because I expected it doesn't mean it doesn't suck

2011-05-24T10:44:00.001-07:00

Especially right when I was ready to try. Timing is everything.

Learn to spell

2011-05-22T14:22:00.001-07:00

To you specifically

2011-05-22T14:20:00.001-07:00

When we were growing up and you got made fun of, I told the bullies off. Hell, I even beat some of them up for you because you were small. When you didn't have a lot of friends, I reached out and made time to spend with you so you didn't feel so alone and still to this day invite you out with my friends so that you feel included. To think that you'd leave me home alone two days in a row because you have your own friends now - even when you knew how lonely I've been - really blows.

2011-05-22T14:17:00.000-07:00

I make time for all of you, and I don't boast about that because that's what friends are supposed to do. The key phrase here is supposed to. I am tired of rescheduling and freeing up time and getting ditched and not even thought of in return. I think that the reason why I've been so upset about getting old is that I feel like I need to make new friends but I feel as if it's too late. Don't get me wrong I love each and everyone one of you to pieces and I guess that's why it hurts so much. I'm almost always the one to attempt to make plans and then in the end you either can't or decide not to. It sucks.

You really like yourself, eh?

2011-05-22T14:12:00.001-07:00

Well at least we have one thing in common.

2011-05-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

I've had some time to think as of late - lots of time to think actually. Fuck, I have had far too much time to think. I don't go out and have fun anymore and a big part of that is my fault which leads to why I have so much time on my hands that ends up being spent laying in bed, overthinking.

After my second visit of the day to Starbucks, I came home and layed in bed. Bad choice. I realized how much I have grown up in the past year. I know that it's natural to grow up as we grow older but I feel like I have grown five years in the past one. So much has changed when on the surface it feels like it's all the same.

I go to more concerts now than I ever have in my entire life but only to shoot and review them. I hang out with some of my friends at least monthly but we almost always drink over-priced coffee and moan about life while doing so. I sleep, I work, and I "do coffee." I am everything that I never wanted to be.

Wrong person?

2011-05-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

Of course, I'm surprised. Never me - story of my life.

This hurts

2011-05-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

this really fucking hurts

2011-05-08T22:52:00.001-07:00

I don't care what tonight was. It was nice.

2011-04-18T18:39:00.001-07:00

I don't want to do it, but I think it's time to move on

2011-04-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

You and I are going to be something some day.
You're going to give me another shot and I'm going to let you in.
We're going to drive each other absolutely crazy when we're together
and when we're not, we're going to be going crazy, wishing that we were.
We may not last forever, but we're going to try.

2011-04-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

A reason. There must be one.
Why I'm still stuck.
Why you won't leave my mind.
Why, even after I tell myself I'm over it, I still find myself missing what we had.
How it has lasted this long.
How I can't get over it.
How, no matter how many times you've moved on, I can't.
A reason. There must be one.

2011-03-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up today pretty content; feeling good and whatnot. I dressed nicely and felt really, really good about myself. Class didn't start until 2:30 this afternoon so I took my time and headed out the door. Little did I know that today would be chock full of bullshit.

A) I got a long message from you that I wasn't quite prepared for. I will reply, I just need to get my head on straight before I do so.

B) I was pulled aside in magazine class twice: once by the execs and once by my prof only to be told that my story would not be running in the physical magazine. I was fighting back tears and I felt like an idiot so I just shut down and resorted to my robotic, non-feeling ways.

C) After I was told that, I began to stress about the rest of my academic career and came to the realization that I am failing the only class that is a pre-requisite for next year. No, it doesn't matter that I have high 80's and 90's in every one of my other classes - of course not. My final year of college is in jeopardy because of one stupid class.

D) We talked about internships today and our prof said that some publications begin interviews this April. Was I prepared for this either? No but again, me doing my internship next fall rides on me passing this fucking course.

E) I'm a little behind in the course that I'm failing so, in attempts of catching up, I brought all my camera equipment to school to cover the art show. Upon getting down to the gallery at 7:30, it was dead and I didn't find out until after that the show ended at 7:30, when I thought it began at 7:30

It's been a long day and I'm breaking down.

2011-03-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

Please mommy.
Let them tell you that nothing's there,
Just be okay, and don't be scared.
Please mommy.

Please mommy.
Hold your head high and stay strong,
Let them tell you that nothing's wrong.
Please mommy.

Please mommy.
Call me tomorrow and tell me your fine,
Assure me that you'll be here for the rest of time.
Please mommy.

Please mommy.

2011-03-27T05:48:00.001-07:00

It's not the fact that it was going on that hurt me, it was the fact that I had no idea that it was going on.

I feel bad but...

2011-03-07T05:44:00.001-08:00

There's just nothing there.

Plea for something

2011-03-01T11:58:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time coming: the end all to be all, the final fight, the argument, and it's never felt more real.

It doesn't hurt but it doesn't feel good. Knowing that you're there, living your life and I'm here living mine in a parallel formation just doesn't seem natural.

I've been thinking about it for some time and it's really an issue of thinking hard about what's more important ego or friendship. I'm no angel, I'm not saying I am. I'm not placing any blame, I just think that it's things like this that make you step back and look at your life and see how small of an issue some issues really are. This is the epitamy of cliches but if you died tomorrow (not that I'd ever wish that in a million years) I would feel horrible knowing that you didn't die as my best friend.

This is me swallowing my pride, this is me needing you back in my life.

2011-02-14T06:30:00.000-08:00

I recently deleted my Facebook and it seems like a minor change but it's had a big impact on me already. I sleep more/better, get more done and more or less keep myself out of uneccessary childish drama.

I had a falling out with someone very close to me and although this may have sparked my Facebook hiatus, I have felt far too connected for a long time, thus my reason behind deactivating my account.

As for said falling out, I don't know how I feel about it. I haven't really talked to anyone about it because I don't know what to say. I'm not going to beg for forgiveness because I've done far too much of that when apologies were not even needed. I'm standing up for myself and staying strong, and if you don't like it, so be it.

I go above and beyond for all of my friends, especially you and it upsets me that you don't see it and never do.

Summer 2011

2011-02-10T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm starting early this year and I will complete as many, if not all of these goals, staring in April and to be completed by September 12th. Some of them are silly, bare with me. (In no particular order)

TFC game
~~Jays' game~~ x2
~~NXNE~~
~~Wonderland~~ x2
~~Ti-cats game~~
Montreal
Camping
~~Toronto Pride~~
Driving school
G2
Take Kevin to Captain America
Ontario Science Centre
AGO
The ROM
~~Jersey party~~
Tight and Bright party
~~Drive-in~~
Mini-golf
~~Beach~~
~~AGH~~
HH Ghost walk
Festival of Friends
Peach Festival
Climb a tree
~~Skate~~
~~Make a pizza from scratch~~
Bike the Bruce Trail to Niagara
Make music
Sleep under the stars
Tie-dye a shirt and wear it
Ontario Place
Roller-skating
Bowling
~~Coach softball~~
NYC
New tattoo
~~Play hockey~~
~~Play softball~~

An update

2011-02-10T10:30:00.001-08:00

Sorry, blog for I have failed you! I've been quite occupied as of late so here's a little update.

I am doing extraordinarily well in school so far
I filmed the first video for my website's new YouTube channel
I'm going to Mexico next weekend
My YYZ article is slowly coming together
Everything is going well for the most part

askfhkashf

2011-01-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

12:34

2011-01-22T22:16:00.000-08:00

I miss the time in my life when you missed me back.
I started to miss you the day you went away and I haven't stopped.

Something else

2011-01-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

I can't quite put my finger on it, I never have been able to but there's just something about you, about us, that keeps me thinking. You're something else. I just haven't quite pinpointed what that something is.

So this is the new year

2011-01-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

and I don't feel any different. Okay, so now that I'm done quoting Death Cab I shall begin. I think maybe that this year will be different and I know I probably say that around this time year after year but this year feels different; I feel more motivated, more willing to commit.

School starts tomorrow and I will do well this term. I've gotten by this past year and a half successfully admittedly without doing much. This term though, this term has to change. I have to change. My goal this term is to get at least an 80% GPA and I am going to work so hard to exceed that average.

Along with becoming more strict with school, tomorrow marks my first day back into a healthy eating and exercise routine. I used to be in excellent shape and I'm ready to get back to that. Working out and eating right made me feel on top of the world and I should never have given it up.

I'm not entirely sure why it is I'm writing this blog but I'm not sure of a lot of things and that's okay by me. This year, above all else, I need to take more risks, and go for things that I want no without over-thinking the future of said things. I'm growing and this is just the beginning.

Heels

2011-01-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

Is it assumed that all females own multiple pairs of heels and have drawers full of bikinis? I didn't think so but apparently some people think otherwise. In the interest of being professional I've kept this as general as possible but I'm tired of it. If it wasn't for the money, I wouldn't be doing it and I know that doesn't make me any better of a person than those whom this is directed at. For the record, I'm not soliciting my body, I'm merely auditioning for an acting spot.

How much is too much?

2011-01-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

My biggest frustration in life is wanting to do so much but not doing it. I often wonder if I simply want to do too much, with I've deduced is true but then I ask myself how much is too much? Basically I want to write, draw, paint, play, and pretty much just create in every single form of the word. I get frustrated when things that I start fall through because I don't like to be perceived as a flaky person. I've wanted to start up a clothing company again and have thus far failed to successfully do so. So rather than make my resolution to make progress in starting up a clothing company again and enjoy the work and time that I put into it. With that being said, I've come to realize that concrete New Years resolutions are just a fool-proof set up for failure more or less and before you peg me as a negative whining bitch, hear me out. Among the most popular resolutions are to eat less, work out more and spend less money; all of which were three of my original resolutions but then I got to thinking. Why limit yourself to such guidelines in life if life is about failing and learning from your faults? Although I do intend to eat better, exercise more regularly and be smarter about my funds, I will not do any of the three at the loss of my overall happiness and well-being. Like I said before, this year I want to make progress and become a better person through this progress.

Resolution #1

2011-01-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've created this blog as a part of my 2011 resolution to express my feelings and do so regularly so here it is. I am in no way looking to be a new person nor am I looking to change anything about myself at all but what I do hope to achieve this year is a lot of learning and and a lot of growing.